How having a child changed me

Updated: Jan 9, 2020

If you had asked me before I had a child, if I would ever even consider homeschooling I would have told you, “NO WAY!”. Something happened after I had Jaya though, my heart softened in indescribable ways and the connection I felt immediately with him was beyond any other that I had ever experienced. Here was this new baby in my arms that looked at me with familiar eyes. Eyes I had seen before in previous lifetimes. Eyes that expressed happiness in being reunited.

My guru arrived on the day Jaya came Earth side and I would never be the same.

I was fortunate enough to take a leave of absence from my job as an occupational therapist with the school system and stay home with him during the first 14 months of his life. We grew together during this time. We truly learned from one another and it was in this time that I was able to connect with the mother in me...a woman I had no idea existed inside and would have never imagined laid dormant within.

At the end of my leave of absence from work, I went back to my job. I found a daycare that I loved and felt comfortable leaving him at. The staff was friendly and supportive and I thought this was just the next step in life. Isn't this what the majority of people do? You have a kid and then at some point you have to go back to work, right?

That first year back to work was a blur, to be honest. I was struggling so much with my role as a new mother, holding a full time job, managing household duties and keeping my relationship alive but I kept trying, even though I secretly felt like I was failing at everything. I couldn't seem to give 100% to anything anymore. My heart was divided but I kept moving forward with this life. I went back to work again the next school year, I put Jaya back into the daycare that I loved and I continued to struggle in all my roles.

Then the day came...the day I realized that Jaya had not chosen me as his mother so that I could guide him within the boundaries of social norms.

This little boy that calls me, “Mama” came here to set me free, to awaken my soul and to soar together. In order to guide him, I had to let go of everything I knew. I had to once again shed layers, unlearn what I had been taught during my lifetime, heal from past hurt and learn what I wanted to pass on to him.

I had to sit down and accept that to guide him the best way I thought possible meant I would have to stop living a lie. I would have to stop being a wolf in sheep's clothing.

This child that softened my heart also strengthened it.

He gave me the courage to be unapologetically different, to let go of that job that I didn't love, to step out of my comfort zone daily and to go against the grain.

I have no idea where homeschooling is going to lead us. Truthfully, we are both now students of life...learning as we go. I just know that wherever it is, I'm happy that in this lifetime we get to do things “our way” together again.

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